Is your child struggling with low self-esteem? If you’re worried about your kid’s well-being, you are not alone, rest assured. This is one of the issues driving many parents crazy. You try to help, but nothing seems to work.
Here is an in-depth look at what drives children to lack confidence in themselves and the most effective ways to deal with this problem.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is the image you have of yourself and this is how you believe others see you. It can refer to physical qualities, especially in this world obsessed with body image, but it can also be related to cognitive abilities. If you believe you’re lacking in any of these abilities, you’re tempted to think everybody perceives you in the same way.
What causes low self-esteem?
This is one of the questions that baffle a lot of parents. You think you’ve done everything right, you love that kid dearly, you know how wonderful he can be, and yet you see him always worried that he’s somehow failing and letting everybody down.
To understand the problems your kid is facing, you have to realize his life is a constant string of challenges. There’s always something new to learn, new abilities to acquire and this is exhausting. Look at your life as an adult – did you have a particularly challenging day today? Anything new you had to learn? Probably not. By this age, you tie your shoes without thinking and there’s no one to ask if you washed behind your ears.
When do self-esteem problems appear?
Experts believe most self-esteem problems appear around the time a kid starts school and feels the need to be accepted and liked by a group of children, not to mention the teachers. For a child every day can feel like a job interview: Will my drawing be good enough? Did I do my sums correctly? Will they laugh at me if a don’t read well enough?
Obviously, not all children are affected to such an extent, but each kid is different and some are more sensitive than others.
Warning signs of low self-esteem
Problems like lack of confidence do not appear overnight. Kids don’t wake up in the morning and suddenly decide they’re not worth anything, they’re useless and they don’t deserve your love. These things build up over time and here are a few warning signs there’s something wrong with your little one:
- Constantly saying sorry – A child with low self-esteem will apologize for things that are outside his control and he has no fault it. The movie you went to see together was bad? In the kid’s mind it’s obviously his fault, he was the one excited about going to the cinema!
- Difficulties making choices – Your child might have a clear idea of what he wants but will be afraid to say it, in case something turns out wrong and he’ll be faulted for making that choice.
- Expressing feelings of being unworthy – A kid with self-esteem issues will sometimes say he doesn’t deserve something as cheap as an ice-cream, let alone an expensive new pair of shoes because deep inside he considers he is not worth you spending money on him.
- Going with the crowd – A kid will engage in some stupid behavior just because everybody else is doing it and he doesn’t want to be singled out, even if he knows the said activity is wrong or he doesn’t enjoy it.
Tips on helping your child build up self-esteem
- Stop comparing your child to other kids
You might not agree with this and say you never do this, but are you sure about that? There’s no reason to blame yourself, we all do this more or less. We, humans, are competitive by nature, we love to be praised for the good job we’re doing in our field, we need to be complimented on looks, clothes, cars, or houses.
One of the first things new parents hear it not to compare their baby’s development with other infants. But we do it nevertheless. Your neighbor’s baby is already learning to walk while yours isn’t yet able to stand up – that’s a cause of concern, isn’t it?
The same principle applies when children start school. If your kid doesn’t get a good grade you will probably want to know how did his best friend do on the test. Even if you don’t say anything, your child will know his performance is measured against those of his peers and he’s failing.
You will probably refrain from expressing disappointment and you won’t criticize your child out loud, because you’re trying very hard to be a good parent. The problem is the child can sense the disappointment in your voice, he can see it in your eyes or your body language.
Forget about the other kids or what the teacher said and talk to your kid about what happened. Use your calmest voice possible to discuss the problem, help him find a solution, and express confidence it is doable.
- Don’t lavish baseless praise on your child
The first time your kid went potty this got him a round of applause and ample praise. It is a big achievement for a toddler and the praise was well deserved at the time.
Some parents believe that always praising their children for the most insignificant things is a way to build their self-esteem. It is not.
If you applaud an eight-year-old for helping with the dinner table, you’re setting the bar very low. Your kid is old enough to do that, it’s an easy job and he knows it. A simple ‘Thanks!’ is enough. Praise should be reserved for real achievements, like solving a difficult math problem. Too much praise becomes worthless and the child will figure it out you’re lying.
Another problem generated by always heaping praise on your child is that he might come to expect everybody to do the same, which doesn’t happen in the real world. When the kid goes to school and discovers no one is amazed at how smart he is, self-doubt sets in and it’s only a very short road from here to low self-esteem.
- Allow your child to make his own choices
Mommy knows best is not a good principle if you want to raise a self-confident kid. It’s natural for parents to want to help their child in any way – you know what clothes he should be wearing on any given day, what he should eat when to go to bed, and so on. While your behavior is justified and based on all the parenting guides you’ve been reading, the message you’re sending to your child is that he is ignorant and cannot be trusted with a simple decision like wearing a cap or not.
If you do everything for your child he’ll never be competent enough to take care of himself.
We learn by mistakes so let your child make his. When you notice it’s a bit cold outside, but the child says he won’t wear a sweater, let him. It’s his problem whether he’s cold or not. If he is, he’ll know better next time.
- Take an interest in his interests
Many parents tend to be focused strictly on school performance and consider all other activities their children might be interested in a complete waste of time. You should practice this approach from a very early age. If your child is crazy about dinosaurs, just buying him the book he wants is not enough. Listen to your child explain the differences between two species even if you don’t care about the subject. Don’t use the special ‘talking to a child’ humoring voice, use the same voice as when talking to an adult. Your partner’s complaints about his job are just as worthy of your attention as your child’s excitement about prehistoric creatures.
When your child develops a passion for something, no matter what, be supportive and treat it with respect, even if you think it’s a waste of time. Don’t forget your child sees you when you’re wasting your time checking your social media feed. His video game is not worse than some of the pastimes you engage in.
There is one other thing, not directly related to self-esteem, but very important. You never know where a childish passion for something might lead. Your Lego-obsessed kid might one day become an architect or his interest in computer games might determine him to become a game developer.
- Give your child age-appropriate tasks
One of the best way to help your child build a decent level of self-esteem is to encourage him to be of help around the house. You wouldn’t trust a small kid to take out your best china plates, but he can place napkins on the table or carry a breadbasket. Later on, it can be his responsibility to set out the table while you’re making dinner. Yeah, they might resent you for that, but, on the other hand, they develop a sense of being valuable members of the family. You trust them with something because you know they’re capable of doing a great job.
- Tell them loud and clear your love is unconditional
All kids want to please their parents even if sometimes they seem determined to drive you crazy. Children crave their parents’ approval more than anything in the world. A child with low self-esteem often feels unworthy of his parents’ love and secretly worries one day you won’t love him anymore.
You should make it very clear to your kid that getting a bad grade or breaking something around the house doesn’t change your feelings one bit. If the child misbehaved explain why you were upset and that you expect more of him, exactly because you love him and you know he’s better than that.
Do not let your child go to bed upset and cry himself to sleep. Under any circumstances. Maybe you had a terrible row and you sent him to his room for a timeout. That’s OK, just don’t let your child alone in the dark thinking you’re upset with him. Go to his room before bedtime and tell him you’re no longer angry, you know it was just a mistake and it’s already forgotten. Give your child a hug, steer the conversation to a pleasant subject, and get him to smile.
Tricks to boost your child’s self-esteem
- Indirect praise – When you’re on the phone with someone and you know your kid is in the other room, within hearing range, mention to your friend what a great job your child did the other day or how impressed the teacher was with his art project.
- Set achievable goals – If your child is struggling with school (or anything else), step in and help him set realistic goals. Maybe he’s working on a complex project, so help him set goals like ‘finish this part in two days and then move on to the next phase’. When he does complete the first part on time, the child will be just a tiny bit more confident he will manage.
- Nobody’s perfect at everything – Just as you involuntarily compare your child to others, so does he. A child can be upset about not being good at sports or struggling with math. What he needs to hear from you is that we’re all unique, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. Point out you’re not as good a cook as his grandma and that’s OK. Maybe he’s not good with math, but he’s more talented at writing essays or music or whatever. Explain this is normal and he shouldn’t worry other kids outperform him in this or that.
- Don’t let yourself be judged by other people – This is quite hard to teach a child when even you as an adult worry what others might think about you. Kids can be pretty mean to each other and being criticized or laughed at is a recipe for disaster when your child already has low self-esteem.
Tell your child no one has a right to judge him, his passions, or the choices he makes. It’s his life and nobody is allowed to tell him what to do or think. And since children learn by imitation, try to apply this principle to your own life. If you don’t make a fuss someone criticized you over a trivial thing, your child will learn to do the same.
